Professor Kettle Q and A

1

Q: What is the most conclusive evidence of Nessie the Loch Ness Monster you have seen?

A: Many people are impressed by the so-called Surgeon’s photo but for me a recent picture taken by another Loch Ness researcher (the webmaster of this site, Nessie on the Net!) is far more interesting. It is possibly the only convincing photo of Nessie on land. The lighting, shadows, photographic angles, scale and atmosphere in the photo all convince me that a very inquisitive, unknown but shy creature has come ashore, maybe to hunt for food.

2

Q: Do you consider yourself to be a serious Loch Ness Monster hunter?

A: No. I am a scientific researcher studying Loch Ness and its monsters. Personally I don’t think I can be classified as a "Nessie hunter" because I am actually a qualified scientist and I don’t have a beard.

3

Q: What do you think of previous research efforts that have taken place in Loch Ness?

A: In general not much. It is interesting to note that there have been all kinds of researchers and Nessie baiters coming up here for decades and, for me at least, it’s quite unsurprising that they have all failed to capture any concrete evidence for a monster. Look at some of the things the Loch Ness researchers and hunters get up to: stuffing ladies tights with rotting fish to tempt Nessie…There was even a French man who stripped to his underpants and sailed out onto the loch in a boat covered with black plastic. He then proceeded to beat a big drum in the hope Nessie would come to the surface! It is no wonder that so many proper academic institutions avoid Loch Ness like the plague. Even sonar searches here often turn out to be nothing but sort of PR stunts with glorified "fish-finders".

Now I even hear that a rather elderly gentleman wants to bring a home-spun submarine to track down Nessie so that he can shoot at her with a harpoon gun!

I try and stand back from the general melting pot of nonsense and take a much more scientific approach towards my own Loch Ness projects.

4

Q: Speaking of your research, what have you discovered in Loch Ness?

A: It’s amazing. Many people have known about the caves and depressions beneath the loch, some of which may lead to the sea but I believe my scientific research has uncovered much more. Heat and sulphur producing vents seem to be playing host to an incredible array of formerly unidentified creatures. Some are quite grotesque and comparable to beasts found beneath the deepest oceans around the globe.

5

Q: Some researchers claim that there is not enough food in Loch Ness to sustain even one Nessie, let alone a whole family. What is your view?

A: I’ve heard that theory but regard it as complete bunkum. Leaving aside the damage that could be caused to tourism by pooh-poohing the concept of a Loch Ness Monster, it is quite clear that so many people have seen things here; people who have nothing to gain by telling their stories.

Let me give you a few facts: Loch Ness is stuffed with eels and salmon swim through in large numbers during certain times of the year. Additionally, if we assume that Nessie can dive deeply then she could have a plentiful diet by consuming the sulphur feeders that dwell around the sulphur vents I jointly discovered with Professor Plume.

More questions and answers coming soon….