Exclusive: Alien Spores Spark Possession Fears at Loch Ness:

Fear has broken out in a tiny community by Loch Ness as it became apparent that a number of local people and tourists may have been abducted by alien life forms, infected with mind-destroying spores and returned to the area.

“It is a very remote place and the rest of the country is largely ignorant about what goes on up here” said Dr. Aileen Stein of the Integrated Earth Sciences Project (University of Southern Carlisle). “For several years we have suspected that some of the people running things are behaving so irrationally that we started investigating a little bit deeper. As leader of the Loch Ness Alien Infestation Project I have uncovered startling evidence of an FBI assisted plot to contaminate the area with mind-altering mushroom spores. When inhaled these cause psychosis and hallucinations and a high dosage leads people of very low intelligence to believe that they actually have some intellectual capabilities. I believe that it may explain why Loch Ness is surrounded by so many daft people who tragically believe they are rather clever.”

The Polish Institute of Applied Psychological Solutions has taken a keen interest and is about to despatch an emergency team of psychologists and psychiatrists to the area. “My hope is that we are not too late” said Professor Ilaf Siddlvich. “Our unit has massive experience as a result of the former Soviet Union’s development of mind controlling drugs but we only have a small window of time before the affected individuals regress into a completely useless zombie-like state. Sadly they are then no longer of any use to the community and there is little that can be done except to leave them to sit out their days in comfortable but ineffectual government agencies like INE and local council chambers where they can at least mix with similarly mentally challenged individuals. But that would be a worst-case scenario and we still have some hope”.